


Liar Liar

by LadyMerlin



Series: hotseat [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: BAMF Riza Hawkeye, Crack Treated Seriously, Edward Elric is In For A Surprise, Gen, Humor, Humour, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Riza Hawkeye is an Amazing Friend, Riza Hawkeye is long-suffering, Roy Mustang is a Dweeb, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-14 07:47:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18048497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMerlin/pseuds/LadyMerlin
Summary: Then again, if anyone could speak a truth into being, Roy could.Or; the one in which Roy can't lie, and hedoesn'tdie (though he comes close).





	Liar Liar

**Author's Note:**

> you don't actually need to have watched the movie 'liar liar' to read this fic - it certainly didn't stop me from writing it.

Honestly, when someone starts banging at her front door at 0700 on a Sunday morning, Riza is expecting either one of two things:

(1) The world is on fire. The government has collapsed under the weight of a military coup. Everyone is either about to die and/or has already died, and someone; either Edward Elric (who would survive the end the world just to be contrary), or a zombie, is bringing her the news.

This is why she brings her gun to the front door.

(2) Roy is having a personal crisis/melt-down and needs her help.

This is why she _loads_ the gun before she opens the door.

The only reason she doesn’t shoot Roy is because it’s not entirely impossible that _he’s_ the one informing her of the end of the world, but when he opens his mouth, her hopes are dashed to pieces on the ground.

“I can’t lie,” he says, in a flat panic, and she cocks her gun.

-

After he’s apologised three times (once for waking her, and twice for... everything else) and she’s put her gun away, she’s ready to hear his explanation. She listens to it once, and then once more, and she’s on the verge of asking for a third recitation before she decides it’s probably not going to help.

“So you’re saying that you woke up this morning, and everything felt normal.”

She pauses and he nods, even though the pause had been more for her to gather her own thoughts, than for his confirmation. “Then you tried to give yourself a pep talk in the bathroom.” She knows how flat her voice is, but the worst thing is she’s not even surprised by that. Of _course_ Roy would give himself pep talks in the morning. The actual _worst_ thing was that he’d been _lying_ to _himself_ during the pep talk. How did that even _work_?

Then again, if anyone could speak a truth into being, Roy could.

He nods again. “And then you realised that you couldn’t lie.” He opens his mouth to – explain? maybe? to rant a bit more, but Riza is too tired for this. She glares at him and he stops in his tracks.

“Have you figured out how it works?” she asks.

He looks extremely sullen when he replies, “no,” which she supposes is the truth. Roy never admitted to not knowing something, if he could help it.

“Alright, so I’m guessing you can’t lie in response to a direct question. Can you just _not_ answer?” To his credit, he appears to think about it before he shrugs. “Alright, let’s try it out. What’s your deepest darkest secret?” she asks, because she figures it’s probably nothing she doesn’t already know.

In hindsight, she can see it happen in slow motion; his eyes go wide with shock and fear and his mouth opens even as he’s clenching his jaw to keep from speaking, the internal struggle clear in the flex of his facial muscles, put into even sharper contrast by his clenched fists.

“I’m in love with Edward Elric.”

The words land in the space between them like something very heavy; like the trail of rubble Edward leaves behind him, and isn’t that just apt? This is actually unexpected, even leaving aside the whole inability-to-lie thing. Riza isn’t offended or anything, but she didn’t think Roy was capable of keeping a secret of this magnitude from her. She’s a little impressed, actually, and more than a little surprised when she actually processes what he’s said.

“Huh,” she says, because, well. What else is there to say?

“Is that all you’re going to _say_?” Roy wails, like the giant, over-dramatic teenager he is. Even Ed is less dramatic than him, and Ed literally goes around the country fighting evil while wearing a flappy red coat and leather pants.

“Well I knew you were attracted to him,” she starts, ignoring his indignant sputtering, “but I didn’t realise _you_ knew you were attracted to him. Let alone that you were self-aware enough to figure out that you loved him.”

Roy gapes, looking a bit like a goldfish, with his mouth opening and closing a few times before he sighs and gives in. “I was going to say that I was offended, but I can’t even lie about that.”

“Well, who am I in love with, then?” she asks, because he’s an idiot but he’s also her dearest friend, and she’s not actually enjoying his suffering (much).

He gapes at her again – really, looking quite unattractive. “I don’t know?” he responds, like it’s a question. “Are you in love with someone? Did you tell me that you’re in love with someone? _Who_ are you in love with!?” His voice is getting increasingly pitchy as he continues.

Riza is most decidedly not in love with anyone, though if she had been, she thinks Roy would have known about it. He's a good friend, like that. “So you can’t tell the truth if you don’t know the answer.”

Confusion is really not a good look for Roy. It’s a good thing she’s always been smarter than him, and that she’s never once been attracted to him in her life. This would have totally disillusioned her, if she had.

“You know what?” he asks when she’s made them cups of tea (because Roy always ruins tea by making the water too hot) and he’s fried up some eggs for them, because if he’s going to ruin her Sunday morning, the least he can do is make her breakfast. “I’m just going to shut my mouth and never say anything, ever again.”

“Praise be, there is a god,” Riza mumbles into a mouth full of toast, because she’s nicer than him but they’re not friends for nothing.

“Ugh,” Roy says, “I h—” he chokes on the word. “ _Fuck_ ,” he swears. “I can’t even say I hate you.” And as funny as this is, it is a little concerning.

“You can pretend to be sick for a week, at best, but any longer than that and people are going to start asking uncomfortable questions.” She looks him in the eye. “Any idea what caused this?”

He shakes his head, and then stops, thinking. “I mean, there was a woman at Madame’s bar last night who threatened to curse me, but I didn’t take her seriously. I mean, magic doesn’t exist, right?”

Riza stares at him with a dead look in her eyes. He shuts his mouth and presses his lips together tightly, thinking. “Okay, maybe it was her. But I can’t think of any other reasonable explanation for this, Riza. I haven’t even done anything interesting!”

“So why did she threaten to curse you?”

“I don’t—” he starts, and stops. There’s an idea dawning in his mind, which turns the truth into a lie even as he’s speaking it. “I said she looked lovely, even though she looked like a mess. I was just trying to be nice,” he says, frowning. “You know Madame always has a few women who’ve been hurt a lot. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Maybe,” Riza thinks out loud, “that’s the problem. Maybe she thought you were being condescending? Or that you were trying to get something out of her? It is a brothel, after all.” Roy looks genuinely distressed at the thought; the Madame had raised him right, at least in that regard. “You were lying to her and so she cursed you to tell the truth.”

Roy groans and covers his face with his hands, pausing at the appropriate juncture for sympathy. He groans louder when Riza doesn’t give it to him. She just chews on another bite of toast. “God, you’re so mean to me.”

“If I was nice to you, you’d walk all over me,” Riza says, totally unapologetic. Her job as his best friend isn’t to be _nice_ to him. It’s to make him a better person, and to keep him on the straight and narrow. She loves him and wants the best for him; that doesn’t include pandering to his tendencies.

He just groans again. “You’re taking the existence of magic really well, though. I’m not sure I believe it myself,” he says, when he’s done pitying himself and there’s nothing left to eat.

“There are more things in heaven and earth, Roy Mustang. Just a few years ago we fought with actual homunculi, and Edward punched a god in the face. I’ve long since lost my incredulity. Medical alchemy?” she asks, almost non-sequitur, but Roy follows her seamlessly.

“What part of body can you heal to restore your ability to lie?” he asks, and it’s only half a challenge – he’s actually thinking about it.

“Your brain, obviously.”

He hums, but neither of them are entirely convinced. “Also, what the hell kind of alchemy allows someone to change something about someone _else_? What did she give in exchange?”

“It’s not alchemy, Roy. It’s magic. Maybe the rules of exchange don’t apply.”

Roy goes a little stiffer; afraid that there will be no solution to this. “We could always go back to Madame’s place. Maybe the lady is still there, or if she isn’t, maybe Madame will know where she’s gone.”

“Yes, but you run the risk of getting cursed even worse, if she doesn’t accept your apology.”

Roy concedes that point. He’s good at _not_ jilting partners, but once they are jilted, even he has to admit that he rarely knows what to do with them.  

“You know those old fairy tales that grandfather used to read us?” she asks, a long minute later. Roy nods. “Well, in those, what was the cure to these sorts of curses?” Roy doesn’t respond, but it’s because he already knows the answer. “You have to learn your lesson, and do what the curse is pushing you to do.”

“Since when are fairy tales an instructional guide on curse-breaking?” Roy demands, suddenly furious. Not at Riza, but at himself, mostly.

“Since we don’t have any other resources, and since I can’t possibly take you out like this. Even if we want to go to a library it’s pretty risky. You could open your mouth and say all sorts of things. How would you respond if I asked you how you were, or how your day has been going?” He scowls at her, because she’s right and he knows it.

“So you think the curse will break if I tell Edward the truth?”

She shrugs, because really, her guess is as good as any, but it’s still a guess. She’s not even an alchemist, let alone an expert on magical curse-breaking, if such a thing even exists.

“What happens if it doesn’t break and I have to explain that I’m telling him my deepest darkest secret, and he doesn’t even reciprocate?”

“If the universe works the way I think it does, his reciprocity has nothing to do with it. I think it only has to do with you learning your lesson.”

“My lesson on not lying?” Roy asks, incredulous. “I’m a _politician!_ ”

“Well, don’t go around distributing insincere compliments to random women, and perhaps you won’t find yourself in this situation again. Maybe _that’s_ the lesson. Besides, you do realise how bad it sounds when you imply that all politicians have to lie.”

He glares at her, but she’s only teasing. She knows exactly what his job scope involves, and none of it has to do with flirting. She thinks he’ll be learning more than one lesson out of this.

“Will you help me call him?” Roy asks, a long minute later.

“Here?” she asks, “No way. You’re not confessing your undying love to Edward Elric in my house.” It’s not open for discussion.

“But he’ll tear my house to rubble! He’s too scared of you to do anything to _your_ house!”

Which is gratifying, of course, but Riza thinks it’s more likely that the two of them will end up fucking like cats in heat in every room of Roy’s house. If Roy decides to visit Ed instead, she’ll have to send Al an apology basket. Still, it’s none of her business. She’s gotten this far in life without getting cursed because she knows better than to stick her nose in other peoples’ business without being invited.

“Go home, Roy. Make the noodles that he likes. Call him over. Tell him the truth, and _only_ the truth,” she says, brandishing a butter knife at him. He looks appropriately cowed. “It’ll be fine.” She’s pretty sure it will be. Edward is far more intelligent than he pretends to be, and he pretends to be a _genius_ , so that’s saying something. He’ll figure it out pretty fast.

Roy schleps off after doing the dishes, because Madame Christmas would have had his hide if he hadn’t offered, and Riza is far too intelligent to turn it down. She locks the front door and sinks back into her bed. The room is a little brighter than she’d like, but the sheets are deliciously cool and welcoming. It’s only just past-noon. She’s had a very productive day. She deserves a nap.

Tomorrow’s bound to be immensely entertaining.

**Author's Note:**

> send love pls, it pays the (emotional) bills


End file.
